Jack Chavez: Clinton vs Trump

By Jack Chavez

On their midterm, students in Professor George Solomon’s JOUR328 class were asked to answer this question. “If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were opposing football coaches, how would you columnize on their impending clash? Keep under 500 words and predict the winner.”

We are two weeks away from the battle between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and the tension is rising with every passing day and every new locker room quotable.

Trump all-star defensive end Corey Lewandowski said yesterday that the Vegas spread, which has Trump losing a game that won’t be close, is indicative that the game is rigged.

Clinton, a coach under the Bill Belichick coaching tree, continues to be dogged by such accusations of cheating, which have followed her since her days as New England’s quarterbacks coach during Spygate.

But with an offense helmed by veteran president/quarterback Bill Clinton and flanked by a flashy gold-star family receiving corps, I think Hillary will find it easy enough to get the job done without resorting to dastardly schemes.

For argument’s sake, even if the score is close late in the game—and those speedy email kickoff returners of Trump’s can put six on the board in a hurry, after all—Clinton’s TMZ-video kicker is sure to seal victory from anywhere within 60 yards.

But these facts still aren’t enough for Lewandowski, who had plenty of scapegoats at the ready.

“Have you SEEN the vendors in this stadium?” he complained. “They’re not American. They’re terrorists. They’re drug dealers. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if they start throwing beer and nachos at us during the game.”

Okay, Corey.

Meanwhile, embattled Trump left-tackle Chris Christie’s thought process is preoccupied with a perceived snub, having thought he was sure to be named “team captain.” I don’t think he’s totally committed to protecting quarterback and actual team captain Mike Pence’s blindside. The relentless pursuit of Hillary’s LGBTQ and women’s rights defense will disrupt any downfield hatemongering plays Trump’s team has cooked up.

Maybe if Trump tossed Christie a cookie from time to time—literally or figuratively, really—he’d be more inclined to perform competently.

Listen to Las Vegas, folks. The game’s not rigged. The better team is clear, and the better team is going to win.

Jack Chavez is a senior journalism student at the University of Maryland.